Jim Gordon: Mall Cop
by shybookworm18
Summary: Dumb 90's/teen AU in which Jim Gordon is the security cop of Gotham Mall and Ed and Oswald are dumb goth teenagers.
1. The Hot Topic Showdown

Jim Gordon had seen many things throughout his illustrious career as a mall cop, but the scene before him was unlike any other. Two of the city's teenagers, Edward Nygma and Oswald Cobblepot, were fighting it out in the middle of the Hot Topic.

"You fricking _poser!_" shrieked Edward, pointing an accusatory finger at Oswald. The tension in the dimly lit store could be cut by a knife. Jim rolled up to the teens on his segway, but before he could say a word, Oswald swung a weak fist at the other boy.

The blow was easily dodged, but Oswald wasn't finished. Stamping his foot on the ground in anger, he screamed at the top of his lungs, "You _don't know me!_" The other patrons crowded around the quarreling teens, making it difficult for Jim to make his way to the center of the store on his segway.

"Excuse me, mall cop coming through." Jim muttered excuses and pardons under his breath as he attempted to drive his beloved segway through the throng of greasy teenagers who smelled like poor hygiene and teen angst. It took him about ten minutes, but after running into several sets of ankles, the crowd reluctantly parted to allow him passage into the nucleus of the action. "What seems to be the problem here, boys?"

Understandably, the teenagers looked uncomfortable at the sight of the mall cop. Oswald looked especially panic stricken as Jim rolled up to them, which was understandable. His foster mother, Fish Mooney, was the strictest soccer mom Jim had ever seen. On the other hand, Edward looked unbothered by the sudden intrusion. "There's no problem, Officer Gordon." His tone was as lofty as ever, his dark eyes glittering mischievously behind his thick horn rimmed glasses. "Oswald here was just leaving."

To Jim's surprise, Oswald seemed to be even more agitated by the use of his name. He swung his fist yet again at Edward, who easily side stepped the punch. "That's not who I am anymore! I told you guys to call me The Penguin!"

"You can't give _yourself_ a nickname, you stupid poser _freak!_" Edward frowned at Oswald, who seemed to cower as he was being yelled at. Jim didn't understand exactly what was going on, but these two miscreants were disrupting the peace of his mall. He had sworn to serve and protect the citizens of Gotham, and if they couldn't even shop in peace, he had failed them. This was a mall for families, and it upset Jim to see the place overrun by this obnoxious, loitering teenagers.

"I don't care what you two are fighting about, but I would greatly appreciate it if you would take it outside before I call your parents." This stern warning caused Oswald to go white in terror and he immediately scampered out of the store in an instant. Edward stared coolly at Jim before strutting out, his perpetual smirk on his lips.

A sigh of relief escaped Jim as he swiveled around on his segway, but an unexpected face almost caused him to topple over. Bruce Wayne was smirking with his arms crossed in front of him. Jim didn't know why, but whenever there was trouble, Bruce was almost always there. "Isn't Alfred supposed to pick you up soon, kiddo?"

The preteen scowled at this familiar question. Jim knew Bruce hated being driven around in his father's assistant's minivan, but there was nothing the boy could do about it. "Alfred's running late today, Officer." Per usual, the tone Bruce used was formal beyond his years.

Without thinking, Jim reached out and ruffled Bruce's hair. This earned him an even deeper scowl. "Okay, Bruce. I'll see you around." With a small wave, he rolled out of the Hot Topic on his segway to continue patrolling the Gotham Mall.


	2. The Spencer's Debacle

Jim should have expected the call to the Spencer's that was near the Hot Topic the following week, but he was shocked to discover the miscreant who was causing a scene. Rolling as fast as his trusty segway could go, he rolled into the dark and misty shop to find Bruce Wayne had handcuffed himself to Edward Nygma, who looked absolutely enraged that a twelve year old had managed to rope him into this.

"Hello, Officer." Bruce's tone was as formal as ever, despite the swearing, angry teenager at his side. Jim could only gape at the boy, his eyes wide in surprise. Never in a million years would he think mild mannered Bruce would do something like this, but there he was, dragging Edward along with him by the handcuffed wrist. "I was hoping you would come. I have some riff raff here," he yanked at his wrist, causing Edward to wince in pain, "that I need you to take care of."

This was almost too much for Jim to take in. As Edward glared at him, he struggled to come up with a reply. It was clear what was going on here, this wasn't the first time Bruce had done something like this. Rolling closer to the duo, he asked, "Bruce, what have we said about trying to solve crimes on our own?"

Bruce glared at him with a stern frown tugging down his lips. Too late, Jim remembered how much Bruce despised being talked down to. He would really have to change his approach with talking to the kid. "Please don't talk to me like that, Officer Gordon. I understand that you would prefer I come get you, but Mr. Nygma would be gone by the time you got here."

Taking a deep breath to steady himself, Jim couldn't believe this was truly happening. This had to be some nightmare, he must have been overworking himself. "What did Edward do this time?"

Too late, Jim realized his wording wasn't the best. Edward glared daggers at him, his hand on his hip. He silently thanked whatever higher powers responsible for this that Bruce had managed to cuff Edward. "_This_ time? I am nothing short of a _model citizen_, Officer. It's this _child—_" He yanked the handcuff on his wrist, "that's causing trouble."

Unruffled by this accusation, Bruce used his free hand to reach into Edward's Hot Topic bag to pluck out a _Bad Bitch_ goblet with a Spencer's price tag attached to it. "He was going to steal this _obscene_ cup. I obviously couldn't let him get away so easily."

"I was not." The teenager was quick to protest. If it was possible, his scowl might have deepened as he turned his poisonous gaze onto Bruce. The twelve year old didn't even flinch. "I _totally_ bought that."

Jim buried his face in one hand. This was the worst week in existence, and it was only Monday. He would have to keep a closer watch on Bruce to make sure he wasn't agitating the easily angered teenagers of the mall. "Bruce, get rid of the handcuffs. Now, please."

"Fine." After handing the plastic goblet back to Jim with a disgusted frown, Bruce unlocked the cuffs binding him to Edward. "I have to be somewhere anyway. I'll leave you to deal with this thief."

Jim knew that meant it was time for Alfred Pennyworth to pick him up from the Chipotle a few blocks away from the mall, but didn't question Bruce as he strode out of the store. Now that Bruce was gone, the mall cop could focus his attention on the teenager still glaring at the retreating form of the child. Holding up the _Bad Bitch _goblet, he asked, "Seriously? You were gonna steal _this_?" Shaking his head, Jim handed Edward the bedazzled cup. "Take this to check out if you want it that badly. If I have to come back because you tripped the security system, I'm writing you up."

"Whatever," the teenager scoffed as he swiped the cup from Jim's hand. Sauntering to the check out line, he called out behind him, "Have a good day, Officer."

"See ya around." With a mock two-finger salute, he swiveled around in his segway to make it back to his beloved security booth where his coffee was waiting for him, lukewarm by now.


End file.
